LEAVING THE BRIGHT LIGHTS OF THE STARS AND THE MOON IN THE SKY

Day 15: Saturday 02/07/05
You guessed it… crack of freaken dawn again!!! We just pushed to get home. Everyone was exhausted and this was the final stretch. We didn’t want to spend another night sleeping somewhere other than in jhb. So even if it meant having to drive at night… (So be it!!!) and also even if it meant we would be going at moerse speeds (180km/h-thanx Bush Pig) or that no lives would be spared (I’d like to take this opportunity to have a moment of silence for our 3 feathered friends who made really good hood ornaments-Thanx Dr Jones) after crossing the border first stop was Steers. Real food made real good… Mmm… nothing like good ol’ junk food. We arrived home completely spent and worn out. After a quick shower and a nice glass of wine, it was time for bed… my own bed!

Day 14: Friday 01/07/05

Once again we left at the crack of dawn. we wanted to get to the ferry as they opened (we thought it would be up and running at 7 but it only opened at 8) we parked and walked around, Dr Jones taking pictures as usual. I saw a terrible sight; they tied live goats onto the top of a bus, so cruel. We got across the Zambezi at around 8:30. Once again it was driving on kak potholed roads. But awesome scenery as we drove through the palm tree landscape.

When filling up the car with fuel we found yet another person trying to rip us off… will it never end?? Here’s your poo sarmie… we pushed as far as we could and ended up in Inhasoro that night. Found a friend of Kingsley, Chris the hungry but he already had a full house. We ended up sleeping at the campsite in town. We had the best meal on this trip so far. I had half a tender chicken drenched in garlic sauce. Dr Jones was tired so it was just the 3 of us, dinner was pleasant. Bush Pig and I slept in the back of the Landy, it was so freaken uncomfortable… until we used our brains and slept on bags and stuff.

Day 13: Thursday 30/06/05

Dr Jones comes to wake us up to leave… we were finished though. Plus the lovers quarrel delayed our departure. Kati wanted to fly back instead and bla bla bla… anyway we said our goodbyes and it was quite sad that we had to leave. I didn’t shower though… I was filthy, mostly cause of my solo walking expedition.
Because we left so late we didn’t get to cross the Zambezi and ended up sleeping in Quelimane at a cool place that used to be a campsite but the people staying there are just renting and let us stay there for free… DSTV whoohoo!!! It was a little apartment. We’ve been really lucky with finding places to stay on this trip. It was great having a proper shower again… its funny how you learn to accept being filthy and smelly sometimes. We all pretty much went to bed early

Day 12: Wednesday 29/06/05 launch day

Bush Pig and the boys left at 4am. The mission was to try to tow the dhow with the power of the rubber dinghies and hopefully get it to our beach. The launch would have to take place here. I woke up feeling miff… showered and put on some make-up. I helped Dr Jones to clean the Landy. After trying all kinds of things the guys managed to get the dhow across and it was a great moment. Everyone was on the beach cheering and taking pictures. We got ready for the launch. This was certainly the most amount of clothing I’d had to wear in 2 weeks. Then we helped out with the preparations for the party. It was so cool. Eventually time came to go to the airport to pick up the sponsors representatives and journos.

What an awesome idea… there were about 12 Landy’s organised to collect all the arrivals, from a 25yr old Landy all the way to our new Disco. It nice to see them all lined up parked next to each other. From there we drove in convoy to a nearby village where a show was put on by the local children, a couple of speeches were made and mozzie nets and peaceful sleep were distributed. After that we drove in convoy all around the town and through the market. It was really exhilarating being part of all of this.

It was almost sun set so we then went through to the camp site which now looked magnificent with all the final touches. Everyone was expected to carry mosquito nets onto the dhow. It was very symbolic. Like each person is doing their bit for the expedition. Then a Muslim priest boarded the dhow and blessed it while his choir sang. Then it was drinks on the dhow.

Soon Bush Pig went to shore and so did I… it was just so sad that it was our last night out there. We didn’t feel like celebrating with the others. It felt like it was their party so we just sat and sulked by the fire. it’s funny how none of the guests really know how difficult the whole process has been, from actually acquiring the dhow, trying to sail it, it breaking down, trying to fix it, trying to get it to that spot or even the weather that has been horrible when it shouldn’t be and then the night of the launch everything just works out perfectly. But I guess as Kingsley says… it all adds to the story of your adventure. If everything worked out all the time, the adventure wouldn’t be a great one.

Yes the evening turned out pear-faced and shit-shaped for everyone!!!! 5 cases of Captain Morgan, black label and countless beers between about 40 people… oooh nasty!!! I don’t even know if I want to mention the little Houdini act I tried to pull (what was I thinking swimming out to sea and taking a midnight stroll, almost naked too, g-string and bra ha ha ha!!) or the VIP I was cavorting by the fire or the Kati, Dr Jones and their drama or the Pierre snogging everyone mission (even Tracy who kissed him back, hee, hee, and I know I didn’t when stuck his tongue in my mouth) or Bush Pig freezing his tackle off or Dr Jones swimming with the memory card and foiling all my dreams of becoming FHM’s latest honey or the fact that we only went to sleep around the time we were supposed to leave.

Day 11: Tuesday 28/06/05

I was up at 5am and went for an early morning swim in the sea. The weather was still not great. Bush Pig was taken to help out on the dhow, they had problems with the mast that had split and they needed able bodies. Dr Jones and Kati went into town leaving me alone at the campsite. Everyone was busy and no-one needed my help with anything. Luckily for me Brenda the owner of the place took me on a tour of the property in her bright yellow beach buggy. It’s massive (100acres) and so scenic (including 40 baobabs). She even took me up to their house which has the coolest ideas for décor.

When I got back to the campsite everyone was still busy with their own thing, I felt really out of place so j-lo went for a solo walk… a freaken long 3hr walk. I was feeling miff but I enjoyed the walk. I always think better when I walk anyway. I saw the biggest red crab walking inland and there must have been many of them ‘cause I saw all the crab holes in the ground… very creepy. (Run j-lo run) I was all sweaty from the walk so I had a quick shower and headed back to the camp. I sat having a beer with king, Pierre and rubber. Then boredom kicked in and j-lo decides she’s going to be creative. I wrote on the fire wall in dark sand ‘spirit of adventure, one net one life’ Kingsley thought it was really sweet. We ate some lovely stew made by ma shoz that night.
Once again feeling sad, I go to bed early.

Day 10: Monday 27/06/05

We all went to the town that morning. Bush Pig had to draw money and Dr Jones wanted to check his email… Bush Pig was a millionaire (3million meticais)… and the internet was out for 2 days in town. Then we went to the market to shoot some pics and to buy sarongs. When we got back to the campsite we packed up everything and went to the beach to tan and Bush Pig flashed the little kiddies his tackle.

Meanwhile the others went for yet another run… what a holiday. We moved to a new campsite. A farm that is now being converted into a stunning resort. Got me a 16yr old fan… eish… he’s the splitting image of my x Alister, very freaky. I ran away with Dr Jones and Kati to buy booze. We all just chilled that evening, sitting by the fire and talking kak. Ross (Kinsley’s son), marc and ma shoz (Kingsley’s wife) arrived that night. Went sleepies but it was so uncomfortable, ever try to sleep on beach sand?!?

Day 9: Sunday 26/06/05

Woke up early and the weather was not lekka. Its funny BECAUSE IT’S not meant to be rainy season. We went through to the dhow where Dr Jones took lotsa photies. I got to climb into the dhow… it’s big and beautiful. We sat there and listened as Kingsley told us stories about how they acquired the dhow and all the drama they had. He’s the best storyteller I’ve ever met. I could sit and listen to him talk for hours.

We then went to the market to check it out. This little shyster opened the back of the Landy as we were driving through the market. He didn’t take anything but just the mere fact that he had balls enough to try to open it was scary. We bought some fish and that night it was going to be fish braai a la Bush Pig. When the others went for a paddle we went for a walk on the beach and sat on the jetty. We had the best capirinha ever at the puma dolphin. The braai that night was yummy yum. I went to bed quite early that night… feeling depro about my life back home (unemployed and couldn’t find work). And I just loved the idea of travelling like this. Throw caution to the wind. I cried a lot that night and slept like shyte. It’s no fun not being able to talk to your mates back home.

Day 8: Saturday 25/06/05

We left at the crack of a sparrows fart, with lots more dirt roads to travel. At this point my little ‘I don’t sleep on road trips rule’ died… I squashed it, killed that bugger with my bare hands. Not that easy to stick to it when you’re not getting a good nights sleep anyway. We drove quite well and soon hit Nampula (yippee… tar roads!!!!)

Driving into Pemba on the peninsula was a beautiful site… the ocean on the 1 side and the lagoon on the other. Puma bay is the biggest bay on this continent and the 3rd largest bay on the planet. Arrived at the campsite by 2pm (just in time for the rugby) we stayed at Russell’s backpacker’s and the bar there was called the Blackfoot bar. that’s the nickname the locals gave to backpackers and it didn’t take too long for us to see why… it’s so hot out there you’re barely clothed and who needs shoes??? The humidity was a little unbearable though. the camp site was dodge, no running water so you’re washing yourself with a Swahili style bucket ‘shower’ (1 hot water bucket and 1 cold, not too bad actually) also the long drops were icky, icky, ew, ew, ew!!!! You kinda heard the flies before you saw them. Nothing is quite as distracting as having flies bouncing against your ass when you’re busy trying to rid your body of waste.

We watched the rugby while sipping on some dosh-m (2m) beers… Mmm… this local beer is delish! The nutter’s went for an afternoon run. Bush Pig and I went for a quick little afternoon powernap… problem is that when we woke up it was night time and we missed dinner. Met Kingsley and what a cool guy!! he’s Mr Adventure but he’s more interested in you and all the adventures you’ve had (um, dude, like this is my first real adventure) also met Pierre, Bruce, rubber, prickly Pete... we had a couple beers and went to sleep… big buffet in our tent that night, as mozzies feasted on us.
(Probably should not have left the tent open because it was so hot and humid)

Day 7: Friday 24/06/05

On the road again. 5 Am. now the main adventure was to start. We head to Mozambique to join Kingsley Holgate and his team at the dhow. The problem is that the roads in northern Mozambique are shyte dirt roads and the towns are few and far between. The side of the roads are so congested that trying to set up camp just anywhere would be virtually impossible.

We averaged about 60km/hr. by night fall we’d made it to a small town called Ribaue. ‘Por favor, the locals no comprende the English’ and couldn’t tell us of any campsites in the area and it’s pure luck that the first white face we see takes us to where himself and a team of geologists are stationed and they were more than hospitable and generous, putting up extra tents for us and inviting us to join them for dinner. DIDN’T SLEEP well again… dreams nightmares dreams!!!!

Day 6: Thursday 23/06/05

After breakfast we went for a quick snorkel around the little island… then had to pose for the camera (Dr Jones, listen dude it’s not easy to ‘just float there’ ok!?!?) I did a little topless tanning before we had to leave… well no-one can see anyway so why the hell not. We packed up our things and we headed back to the main land.

Those crazies paddled back, I wasn’t going to kid myself I knew I couldn’t do that again. I went back on the boat with all our bags. I just lay on top of the boat and tanned some more. We went back to fat monkeys for one more night. I stayed out of the sun this time because I was fried and the sun touching my skin hurt. We walked down the coast to the villages and took lots of pics, the boys had a game of soccer with some of the locals with a ball made of plastic bags bound together. It was a quiet evening and we went to bed early.

Day 5: Wednesday 22/06/05

Drove to kayak Africa a resort 10 minutes away. From here we had to paddle for 10km to Mamba Island (a private little tropical island paradise) I’m not fit at all, so Bush Pig had to become bush butterfly and flap those arms boy because I was not coping at all. We arrived on the island just over an hour later. The main island is 4 squared kilometres. On it, is the kitchen where our food was prepared and all kinds of walks and nature trails. There is smaller island which is where the accommodation is and a swing bridge joined the 2. We were the only guests on the island.

There are 5 double luxury tents so I took the one with the sunset view. I didn’t see why I needed to share with anyone if the whole island was ours anyway. Each tent had 2 beds, bedside tables, chairs, a beautiful deck and a hammock. All you hear are the waves crashing down below and the cry of the fish eagle. there was a communal section with the bar (where you just help yourself and mark down what you take. the island staff give you privacy and only come to that island to serve the meals, which are at set times, we were fed lunch, dinner and breakfast) a dining section, more hammocks and a couple of board games. (I learnt to play Bawo) the toilet was a luxury long drop (if u can picture such a thing) and the hot water shower was out doors (stunning view)… we went for an afternoon hike just to check it out. Saw monitor lizards and hornbills. I haven’t travelled all over the world (yet) but this has got to be 1 of the most beautiful places on earth!!!

In such a romantic setting I would have loved being able to make love to someone right there. Everything was perfect. The only problem with the island was being there single and having no nice boys around. However, I did have a little fun in my tent after yet another photo shoot, all started with rubbing some after sun on my burnt back. I’m so going back there someday (with someone special!!!)

That night the full moon lit up the sky… this had to be heaven!! I fell asleep on my hammock as the moonlight danced across my skin and the cool breeze kissed my cheek. The next morning I watched as the full moon set on my side of the island. I still can’t believe that I was, where I was… it was so surreal. And to think it’s in the middle of deepest, darkest Africa. To top it off all we paid to be there was r300 p/p per night (thank you for being a journalist Dr Jones) Normal price R1500 p/p.

Day 4: Tuesday 21/06/05

We were told the country club would be up and running at 6am. Which meant the restaurant, as well as the cloakrooms would be open and most importantly the main gate would be unlocked? (All lies damit!!!) We wanted to catch an early start because we were delayed in Zim and we just wanted to get to cape Maclear already. So no breakfast and no hot shower and no damn key for that gate. Excuse the pun but we were not happy campers.

Somehow someone came up with the bright idea of driving the Landy up the stairs to what could be our only way out. Slowly Dr Jones put the car to the test, everything looked good and it seemed like this could actually work… but suddenly the concrete slabs under the right side of the car started to crack… ‘Nah, keep going… its fine’ so he did. Within moments the concrete slabs on the right gave way and the Landy came crashing down. The Landy now at an angle, the right wheels submerged in what seemed to be a drainage area, fortunately just about as wide as the wheels. (Ouch, that poor car) we built a ramp with all the broken bits of slab and Dr Jones eased the Landy out of the almost disastrous predicament. ‘fine u don’t have a key for the gate, we’ll make our own way out’ , so once again the idea of cutting a hole through the fence and driving round to the gate and whipping out the zap signs came to mind (sorry Indiana not this time either) the key miraculously made a guest appearance and we were set free. Driving out of Limbe now, going to cape Maclear I saw the most peculiar thing. People riding bikes with woven baskets attached to the back containing live chickens. Its nice being a chicken in Africa, they travel in style.

Just outside Mangochi we saw the funniest hand painted sign on a wooden stall: toys r us. And it just so happened that this guy was selling hand carved wooden Landy’s. We ended up going to a nearby village and getting lots of cool footage there. Anyway Dr Jones could only manage to get 1 of the Landy’s because this guy was trying to be too hard arsed to drop his price. At this point tensions were running high and I think I speak for all when I say that we were all just a little irritable and pretty sick of all the driving.

We stayed at an exotic little paradise situated right in the centre of a village. It had a bar and tiny restaurant right on the beach. They offered diving, snorkelling and paddling. The people working there were so chilled and friendly and most of all it was dirt cheap. to camp there was the equivalent of r20 p/p per night and to get a room was r45p/p. there was also a lapa, flush toilets and running water showers (so what if there was no hot water, big deal, the temperature was about 29 degrees) I quickly ran to brush my teeth, then off came the clothes and on came the bikini… we were surely in heaven now!!!

Bush Pig and i found a perfect little spot on the beach where we just chilled while sipping on kuche kuche’s or Carlsberg’s and we watched as time stood still. I have never in my life been so relaxed and content. We both agreed that this was worth all the driving. Dr Jones and Kati went for a run… crazy mofo’s. Dr Jones and Kati are not well in the head, they ran, cycled and paddled every day after that. Bush Pig and I did everything we could to chill lax and absorb as much of heaven as we could. ‘Cause we knew we’d be back in the rat race soon. But hey, to each his own.

As we lay there soaking up the sun, staring at the glass-like lake not only did time stand still but I didn’t have a care in the world. Beach boys kept walking by trying to sell their crafts. They are such peaceful people. Bush Pig bought a necklace, I got a bracelet (mind you, I can’t seem to find it right now) then I had my hair braided with beads, and Bush Pig ordered a space cake (when in Malawi make like the Romans, ha ha ha!!!) we lay there for what seemed like days… tanning, drinking beer and relaxing. Later when the other two came back, they went for a paddle on the lake. And just before sunset it was ‘kayak in water photo opp’ time again. Dr Jones took a stunner of a photo of me (the sunset behind me, the lake like glass, an island in the background and me with my braids and new tan. FHM here I come!!)

That night we’d organised a lovely fish braai with 1 of the locals consisting of 2 pieces of fish each, rice and tomato gravy with grilled banana for dessert and this only cost about r15 p/p. also had some of the space cake… I guess I’d been drinking beer in the sun all day and all I felt was spacey… that night we walked to another resort further up the lakeside and played some pool with tourists.
I slept like the dead.

Day 3: Monday 20/06/05

We were up early. We had to drive straight through Mozambique to get to Malawi. Dr Jones lost the car key and had everyone searching everywhere for it. It was found after about an hour of digging through and unpacking and repacking his bag. We had a quick breakfast and said goodbye to our gracious hosts. Emptied the jerry cans into the 83l tank and hit the road.

The scenery definitely improved after Harare. It was stunning. It was mostly green farm lands with granite mountains, baobabs and little mud hut villages everywhere. we arrived at the border early enough, got our passports stamped and were ready go but the stupid morons at the gate wouldn’t let us pass without a police clearance (that we know you don’t need to have when travelling through Zim) eventually we had the local piggies down there trying to sort it out.

We saw 1 guy who arrived there after we did, also without the correct documentation leave and Dr Jones ran to ask him how he managed that. Corruption!!! Those arseholes took a $50 bribe. (United States dollars) so Dr Jones flipped out in front of the local pigs and this accusation did not make the guys at the gate any happier. We were not about to bribe these guys either. Dr Jones had it in his head that we’d just drive back a km or 2 and drive up to the fence cut it open and drive across the border that way, we already had our stamps, then drive to the gate and pull zaps at those guys cause they cant do a thing to you once you’ve crossed over to the other side. Fortunately Bush Pig sweet talked the rotten rubbishes. All Dr Jones had to do was apologise for his disrespectful behaviour for them to let us leave their wonderful country. This little delay cost us 2hrs driving time. After going through the gate we tossed them a poo sarmie… I for 1 will not go back to Zim.

Because we were held up in Zim we were behind on time. We drove through Mozambique via Tete where we had to make a quick fuel stop. We didn’t have any of the local currency (kwacha) with us and when we paid in rands they tried to rip us off by giving us a ridiculous rate. We filled up and Dr Jones just gave them a poo sarmie and what we owed them using the proper rate and we drove off hee hee. At the border post (going into Malawi) we met up with Chris (the guy who bribed those Zim guys) and he told us of a country club we could stay at in Limbe.

It was almost sunset and there’s no way that you can drive at night in an African country. There are just too many obstacles from people and animals walking in the road to pot holes. It’s definitely not safe. But we had no choice plus we got lost but we made it and that was the first night we pitched our tents and camped. It was 20 degrees outside that night. Wow! It’s just crazy thinking that we did 4 countries in 3 days. We had dinner at the restaurant and a couple of Carlsberg’s to wash it down with. The meal was cheap. It wasn’t amazing but it was late, we were hungry and we didn’t bring anything that we could braai with anyway. Bush Pig and j-lo weren’t quite as tired as the other 2. We were like little kids who didn’t want to sleep and it was past their bed time. We laughed and joked and giggled till we decided to have another drink and talk shit for another hour, then go to sleep.